20 Important Rules Women Must Follow During Sex

For fun, I sent out an unofficial survey asking men to be frank and honest. Then, I added a few adjectives and narrowed down the list: these were the top and most agreed-upon tips for women who take great pride in making their sexual experience, and the sexual pleasure for their man, a very memorable and pleasant one. Take heed ladies. This is what men said. Enjoy the read.

1. Don’t laugh at your man for any reason during sex. Please wait until he leaves before you begin laughing uncontrollably. (see #20 for exception)
2. Make sure your legs are always smooth and shaved. Prickly legs are certainly not considered arousing and do not help in stimulating blood flow to your man's happy place for your future enjoyment.
3. Make sure you don’t have any body odor emitting from anywhere (maybe this should have been number 1).
4. Tinkle BEFORE the love making, spanking, yelping and licking ensues.
5. Please, NO CATCHER’S MITTS or FU MANCHUS! The only acceptable Hollywood hairstyle allowed should be a thin, managed, groomed strip or a smooth, clean slate of baby-fresh skin.
6. Oral tip: Use your hand and your mouth simultaneously and in perfect synchronicity while attempting to make your man's eyes roll into the back of his head.
7. Gently cup and manipulate his "boys" with one hand while performing your oral gift – this simple technique can significantly enhance his experience AND keep you from ever being left out of his will. The key word here is "gently".
8. When your man is in the process of orgasm, please refrain from any further mouth or hand movements immediately – remain very still to prevent any knee jerk "sensitivity" reactions that could easily result in: bloody noses, chipped teeth, black eyes or bruised foreheads (yours, not his).
9. Early in your sexual relationship, if you proceed to indulge in filthy sailor talk followed by your specific request for a brutal hair pull and earsplitting ass-slapping, be prepared to instantly catagorize yourself as a "fling" and not so much a "keeper". To avoid desecrating his overall impression of you, we suggest a gradual and subtle approach before letting loose like a wild, carnivorous sex banshee in heat.
10. When a man orgasms, please refrain from saying anything to lessen the amazing euphoria including: “ You got it in my eye” OR “I need a towel”. Just stay calm and let your man regain his senses before you embark on the clean - up process.
11. Don’t aggressively suck or "mouth" his "boys"– it really hurts!
12. Don’t bite down on your man – it does nothing to turn us on and it definitely hurts. Try a gentle nibble and lick as your alternative. (see #8)
13. Don’t give your man a hickey – you are not in high school anymore and you don’t need to mark your territory like an zoo animal.
14. During your sexual "mountfest", allow your man to take a short pause if you want the sex to last more than the standard 4 minutes. This allows him to gather composure, re-position for better comfort and take advantage of leverage opportunities.
15. If you have to spit, don't spit everything out in front of your guy.
16. If your man talks dirty to you during sex, it is customary and suggested that you return the favor. However, be sure not to try to "out-do" him by pushing the boundaries of total and unadulterated filth beyond dimension with your verbal responses (see #9).
17. Keep your fingers away from any man's "balloon knot" (aka: brown eye, pink eye, butt hole). Redirect your fidgety fingers away from the brown eye and focus on the more appropriate and important appendage located on the opposite side.
18. It is common for a man to excitedly yelp words of ecstasy and passion upon the arrival and ejection of his silky elixir. For best results, nasty, crazy words of encouragement are highly recommended to reinforce the raunchiness and downright nastiness of the event. It has been studied that communication is essential in maximizing volume and viscosity.
19. Grab your man's butt cheeks during sex, but don’t squeeze those cheeks so hard as to break blood vessels, puncture a major artery, remove any hair or leave a permanent imprint of your forefinger and colored nails.
20. Don’t laugh after sex for any reason unless your man was doing the horizontal boogie in a clown suit and/or rubber mask.

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